Harry Potter and Why Not To Play Cluedo
by Jennigen
Summary: PG for swearing and hinted slash. This is a spoof of the movie Prisoner of Azkaban! With Cluedo refrences, shipping war indications and MURDEROUS INTENTIONS! This is one mad, crazy, drunk spoof by yours truely!


**Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban**

**And why you should never play Cluedo too much...**

**DISCLAIMER- **I don't own Harry Potter and even if I did I would try and trade him in for Remus Lupin instead. This is a SPOOF, not a horrible bashing of Harry Potter. I like Harry Potter, its cool. All characters belong to J.K Rowling except for Bob...I like Bob.

And before you flame me, I like both Ron and Hermione, I was having a go at their characterisation in the film not their actual characters. Oh yeah and if you're a Harry/Hermione shipper and your very protective of it, it might be best if you don't read this. I am a Ron/Hermione shipper.

Yes I was inspired by the immortal genius that was "Prisoner of Azkaban in 15 minutes" and all my inspiration is copyrighted to its author.

**Harry-** I have decided to play with my wand in the middle of the night under my bed covers, innuendo? I don't think so.

**Vernon-** Oh crap I keep missing the fun...every time I walk in it stops.

**Harry- **OMG IT'S AUNT BARGE!!!

**Aunt Barge- **I resemble a boat which is why I am called Barge.

**Harry- is cooking **Ready, steady cook eat your heart out!

**Aunt Barge- **I eat your house out!

**Harry- **I can make lights turn on and off when I'm not meant to.

**Dudley- **OMG IT'S LIKE TITANIC WITH THE RANDOM FLASHING LIGHTS, WE'RE GOING TO SINK!!!

**Aunt Petunia- **Don't be silly dear and eat your Pumpkin Pie.

**Aunt Barge- **I wave my finger at you!

**Harry- **I inflate your finger at you!

**Aunt Barge- **Aieeee!

**Uncle Vernon- **Quick Ripper join the Conga line!

**Aunt Barge- **flies away

**Dudley**- Aunt Barge has got high hasn't she?

**Petunia- **looks horse like

**Harry- **kicks things I'M IN ANGST MODE, GET OUTTA MY WAY BITCH!

**Photo- **Let's look happy so it adds to the angsty mood.

**Uncle Vernon- **I HATE YOU AND YOU SUCK AND YOU MESS UP MY LIFE BUT YOU'RE STAYING HERE!

**Harry- **Only because you want to see me play with my wand.

**Uncle Vernon- **Shut up Scarhead!

**Harry- **This place is a sucky place to angst so I'm going to go angst outside with my friend Trunk but not Hedwig...Hedwig is too happy and tweety. AND YOU CAN'T STOP ME!

**Petunia- **hums "Don't stop me Now"

**Harry- **is angsting on the side of the road

**Trunk- **is a trunk

**Playground kit- **behaves scarily

**Harry- **OMG NOISE! MUST SPIN HEAD ROUND TO LOOK DRAMATIC!

**Dog- **Woof, woof...

**Harry- **OMG ITS GOING TO KILL ME! trips over

**Dog- **Eww, this bush stinks I'm going.

**Knight Bus- **I'm so purple and you'd better believe it.

**Stan- **I'm so thick I have to read my name off a piece of paper.

**Harry- **Where'd the puppy go?

**Stan- **What puppy? Oh get on the bus you slag.

**Harry- **I don't know much, tell me where this huge thing that looks like a square plum goes?

**Stan- **Everywhere.

**Harry- **Everywhere?

**Stan- **Yep.

**Harry- **Can I go to the Leaky Cauldron?

**Stan- **I like that place, you can ride free so I won't charge you which really I should do but that would take too much screen time which could be spent on better things like suicidal birds.

**Harry- **Wow where'd that newspaper you got come from? Free reading material?

**Stan- **Reading?

**Harry- **Oh forget it, who's that on the cover?

**Stan- **Let me make you feel stupider then me by stating "who is that?" several times in a shocked voice.

**Harry-** Well?

**Stan-** Err reads cover that's Sirius Black get free coupon inside to ride the Oliphant's free.

**Harry- **Huh?

**Stan- **Oh it's just Sirius Black, he's a murderer you know, listen to my scary voice "muuurrdererrr!".

**Harry**- is freaked out

**Ernie- **I can swerve round corners look, weeeeeeeee!

**Shrunken head- **I can annoy half the fandom just by being here when I'm not in the book.

**Stan- **Oh look we're at The Leaky Cauldron now.

**Harry- **OMG I'M BEING PULLED AWAY BY SOME...SOME...THING!

**Stan- **Bye errs...I never knew your name because that would take up too much screen time.

**Fudge- **Hello I am the Minister of Magic and I'm really a stupid twat but you won't find that out until the 5th book.

**Harry- **Err I kind of made my Aunt into a balloon am I going to be punished?

**Fudge- **No not really that would take too much trouble which could be spent on more deadly things like innocent Hippogryphs. I bought your books though because I had so much free time, I was bored.

**Harry- **Umm thanks.

**Fudge- **Why am I named after a soft chewy sweet that often gets confused with toffee?

**Harry- **Ahhhh! I'm being attacked by an evil book with a growling condition!

**Book- **Snarl, snarl, growl, growl. This is what screen time should be taken up for, stupid killer book scenes that make no-one laugh.

**Harry- **Fuck you fluffy book I belt you!

**Book- **is belted

**Harry- **wonders out of room

**Crookshanks- **I'll get you rat boy!

**Scabbers- **squeaks

**Ron- **I'm mean and nasty, hate me fandom. Your cat sucks Hermione.

**Hermione- **I'm clever and ever so perfect. You suck Ron!

**Harry- **I enjoy smiling as my two best friends tear each others throats out.

**Hermione-** Hello Harry, admire my trendy clothes.

**Ron- **Hello Harry, admire my...erm...oh.

**Photo- **has weird Egyptian music that scares me in the background

**Weasley family- **do Weasley things

**Mr Weasley- **Let me drag you round to this private and ever so secluded spot where no-one could possibly hear us.

**Hermione- **Hi Mr Weasley.

**Mr Weasley- **Right let me sum up. Sirius Black got out of prison to kill you and you are now in mortal danger but just in case you feel like finding him for some insane reason, don't.

**Harry- **Oh, is that all?

**Mr Weasley- **Sirius Black's poster is laughing at us.

**Mrs Weasley- **Don't forget your guinea pig Ron!

**Ron- **It's a rat!

**Mrs Weasley- **Is it? Oh right.

**Ron-** I think its funny you blew up your Aunt and that Sirius Black is trying to kill you. I find everything funny, except when I'm scared.

**Hermione- **Shut up Ron.

**Harry- **Hey look we walked past lots of vacant compartments but let's sit in this one with the man who likes to sleep with a coat over his head.

**Ron- **Who the hell is that?

**Hermione- **I have all the answers. Remus Lupin.

**Ron- **OMG I MUST ADMIRE AND FLIRT!

**Hermione- **It's on his suitcase, durr.

**chatter chatter banter banter rant rant**

**Ron-** OMG like the train's stopped moving. This is as far as my intelligence goes in this film...

**Train- **Freeze suckers! I never liked you anyway! I bet you were the ones who graffitied me!

**Harry- **Look there's someone outside the door.

**Dementor- **Hello my names Bob. Can I sit down and share some of your sweets.

**Ron and Hermione-**look scared

**Bob-**sits next to Harry

**Harry-**Why do you resemble a balloon with a cloak over its head?

**Bob-**DISCRIMINATION!

**Bob- **uses lame special effects to make Harry look like some sort of blurred photo

**Lupin-**This must desist! Look at me I can make a Patranous without saying anything!

**Lily echoes- **I sound like a steam train.

**Harry-**Urgh, what happened? Why is my mum a train?

**Lupin-** Here have some poi..chocolate. That was Bob he's an oversensitive Dementor with a mouth ulcer. He is used to guard the Prison of Azkaban, he prefers the "talking method" to corporal punishment.

**Harry- **I don't like chocolate.

**Lupin- **Eat! While I run off so it looks like Ron poisoned you.

**Hermione-** Why not me?

**Lupin- **Well durr. Everyone knows you're perfect.

**Harry- **looks forlorn

**Carriages- **We are so "horse" less.

**Toads- **We are the every meaning of the word pointless.

**Dumbledore- **I am now going to scare you by talking about things.

**Students- **look shocked

**Dumbledore- **Now I'm going to mess with candles and talk about light switches.

**Students-** look shocked

**Snape- **I hate Mondays.

**Fat Lady- **I love being cast as the "fat" lady.

**Gryffindors- **Stop your singing bitch!

**Fat Lady- **breaks glass Oh alright you guys have no taste.

**Seamus- **I have lines, fear me!

**Neville- **I have changed beyond recognition and I now talk like an elephant. My gran is so proud.

**Ron- **Look out! I am actually not acting funny or scared! But then again I was helped by a sweet. roars

**Harry- **makes train sounds

**Bob- **floating nearby Must run in the family..

**Bird- **I like flying into trees.

**Whomping Willow- **I'm almost as grouchy and mean as Snape. Watch me kill the cute little birdie.

**Trelawney- **I have no idea how to teach this subject.

**Trelawney- **We will study cups today, I mean tea leaves.

**Kid 1- **I like coffee.

**Trelawney- **I knew that.

**Harry- **My cup doesn't like being analysed by Ron, its cross. (bad pun sorry)

**Trelawney- **Let me steal your tea.

**Trelawney- **OH DEAR GOD! You used PG Tips you dim child! It looks like a chimp! It always looks like a chimp! But seeing as chimps are animals and dogs are animals I will say it is a Grim for the plot's sake!

**Kid 1- **What the hell is the Grim?

**Random kid at 12 o'clock- **I can make reading out of a textbook sound scary and evil.

**Harry- **I saw a big black dog the other day.

**Ron- **ignores

**Hermione- **Even my voice is perfect. My conclusion? Divination sucks but Arithimacy rules!

**Ron- **We've only had one class.

**Hermione- **Your stupid, I'm clever. Who's right here?

**Harry- **Hagrids hut has moved. Do you think Aragog displaced it because he was so angry that we got away Ron?

**Ron- **looks scared

**Hagrid- **I have had no teaching experience whatsoever so Dumbledore hired me.

**Draco- **I like to mock Harry. Look at my threatening black cloak.

**Harry- **must resist urge to kill

**Hermione- **I can make scrunching my nose up at Draco perfect.

**Hagrid- **Here's a Hippogryph. Its big and dangerous and I have no teaching experience; right who wants to go first?

**Harry- **is volunteered by process of stepping back

**Ron- **I prod you while looking scared.

**Harry- **Hello you mix and match freak, for some reason I have to bow to you.

**Buckbeak- **I like to make freaky bird sounds.

**Hermione- **OMG if I was perfect I would be the first one to tackle the Hippogryph! Steve Kloves you must change the script.

**Steve- **I would but this is the perfect opportunity to make Ron look scared, again.

**Hermione- **grabs Ron's arm

**Ron- **Ow that hurt bitch. looks scared

**Ron/Hermione shippers- **Fuck Harry this is what we'll talking about.

**Harry- **Okay the damm thing bowed now what do I do.

**Hagrid- **I have no teaching experience. Now you will ride him.

**Harry- **looks scared

**Ron- **Hey!

**Buckbeak- **makes horsey bird noises while taking off

**Harry- **Wow I can see my house from here.

**Buckbeak- **I like skimming the lake.

**Harry- **makes blatant Titanic reference

**Buckbeak- **As long as I don't sink.

**Harry- **Oh look there's some pumpkin pie in the water.

**Buckbeak- **I'm a good Hippogryph really, I could fly off with you to Tibet but I will return you to Hagrid.

**Hagrid-** I have no teaching experience. Yay Harry's not dead.

**Draco- **Here kitty kitty kitty.

**Buckbeak- **You suck because your Malfoy. attacks him

**Hagrid- **I have no teaching experience. Oh damm, oh damm, what do we do? What do we do? If I bury him under this log you won't say anything will you?

**Hermione- **I have all the answers. Take him to the Hospital wing durr. I didn't really have to say anything but this is a nice shot of the Time Turner round my neck.

**Draco- **Helium gas! Helium gas!

**Ghosts on horses- **We shouldn't be able to smash glass because we are ghosts but we will do anyway.

**Harry, Ron and Hermione- **chat chat banter banter

**Seamus- **I have another line, joy! He's been sighted in a town with a funny name.

**Sirius Black poster- **I find the fact that I'm innocent but put in prison with millions of depressing Dementors around me very laughable.

**Random kid at 12 o'clock- **I can make references to smoke and hands. I also won some competition which means I get lines. I also ate Dean Thomas.

**Lupin- **Lets stare at a wardrobe.

**Class- **stares

**Lupin- **Now can anyone tell me what this.

**Random kid 1- **Err...a wardrobe?

**Lupin- **Don't be ridiculous!

**Dean Thomas- **I've escaped from the wrath of the random kid's stomach to tell you it's a boggart.

**Lupin- **Well done. Now can anyone tell me what a Boggart looks like?

**Ron- **A bog?

**Lupin- **Don't be ridiculous!

**Hermione- **I have all the answers. rants

**Lupin- **Very good. I will interrupt you. Blah Blah Boggart blah blah.

**Neville- **whispering Don't pick me, don't pick me, don't pick me...

**Lupin- **Ah frightened looking untalented boy come and help me.

**Neville- **approaches

**Lupin- **Now tell me very loudly so people can laugh at you what your worst fear is.

**Neville- **Professor Snape.

**Lupin- **Ha ha ha ha ha. I find that amusing because he's a git.

**Lupin- **I am creepy and stallkerish. You live with your grandmother don't you?

**Neville- **Yes but how do you kno..?

**Lupin- **Put Snape in a dress and I'll love you forever.

**Wardrobe- **opens

**Snape- **climbs out

**Lupin- **What the? But we haven't done the spell yet! Why's he in a dress?

**Snape- **Hello hic Neville hic You look funny hehehehe hic 10 points off Gryffindor for there being two of you hic not allowed to do hic cloning spells.

**Neville- **My fear has changed....

**Snape- **Where am I? hic I was in a bar hic and I woke up to find myself in your wardrobe Lupin hic with a dress on.

**Lupin- **Don't be ridiculous!

**Harry- **That puns getting old.

**Real Snape- **is carted off

**Lupin- **puts on crazy jazzy music

**Ron- **I'm at the front because I'm scared looking.

**Boggart- **I'm Aragog the 3rd growl!

**Ron- **looks scared Don't be ridiculous!

**Boggart- **Why the hell do I have roller skates on? Wee Aragog the roller skating spider it could be a popular cartoon series.

**Paravti- **I'm so minor.

**Boggart- **Hiss.

**Parvati- **Don't be ridiculous!

**Boggart- **Fear the clowness!

**Harry- **Why is my boggart taking its time?

**Boggart- **is out to lunch

**Harry- **sigh

**Boggart- **SURPRISE! I'm Bob the Boggart Dementor! Now lets talk about your life, what makes you feel sad?

**Harry- **OMGLIEKSPAZZATTACK!

**Lupin- **jumps in front of Harry while making strange strangled yell

**Boggart- **I'm so MOONY, that's Moony without an e. Moony Moony Moony.

**Lupin- **I have teaching experience but this lesson is lame now. You may all go away.

**McGonagall- **I could let you go but that would ruin the plot.

**Harry- **Sucks to be me.

**Hermione- **Well you wouldn't have enjoyed it anyway, me and Ron were planning on snogging round some corner.

**Harry- **Fine! I'll get my own snogging partner!

**Lupin- **So why are we on this bridge that didn't exist before?

**Harry- **Well..errr.

**Lupin- **You remind me of James but lets not talk about him even if he was my friend. Lily was brilliant, Lily was wonderful, Lily was amazing, Lily Lily Lily.

**Harry- **Did you love her?

**Lupin- **Don't be ridiculous!

**Harry- **....

**Lupin- **goes into angst mode

**Harry- **HEY THE ANGST SPOTLIGHT IS ON ME, DON'T STEAL IT!

**Lupin- **angst's about angsting

**Harry- **Stuff this bridge.

**Stairs- **We still move!

**Gryffindors- **chat chat banter banter

**Fat Lady- **is not there

**Ron- **Lets blame Neville.

**Neville- **Hey.

**Percy- **She's left a note. "Gone on holiday, please feed the cat".

**Dumbledore- **That was weeks ago!

**Harry- **Wargh where did you come from?

**Filch- **I appear randomly too. Oh look there she is.

**Dumbledore- **It's a hippo.

**Fat Lady- **Who you calling hippo?

**Dumbledore- **Why have you moved frames, forgetting of course that there are several giraffes and crazy knights moving from frame to frame around us.

**Fat Lady- **It was Sirius Black! He laughed at me so crazily!

**Dumbledore- **Murderous intentions! We must all sleep downstairs in the Great Hall while we search the school in a very crap way.

**Door- **closes

**Moon- **Hey look I'm so full!

**Harry- **If I stay still like everyone else they might believe I'm dead.

**Dumledore- **Murderous intentions! Got away! Murderous intentions!

**Snape- **Someone could have helped him. Someone who thought it was funny to lock me in a cupboard and dress me up. Someone outside right now because of the full..

**Dumbledore- **Murderous intentions! No they didn't have murderous intentions!

**Snape- **looks grumpy

**Dumbledore- **I like dreams lets ramble on about them right above Harry's head.

**Harry- **Look sleeping isn't very easy when your talking right by me.

**Snape- **I like to make my students suffer by making them read in the dark.

**Harry- **Where's Lupin?

**Snape- **HE'S DEAD NOW SHUT UP!

**Class- **look shocked

**Ron- **looks scared

**Snape- **No not really but he should be! Now open up to that page number I'm obsessed with.

**Ron-** Werewolves, what the fuck is a werewolf? I'm so stupid.

**Snape- **Someone tell me the difference between a Werewolf and an Animagus.

**Ron- **Durr! One begins with A and the other begins with W!

**Snape- **Dear Gawd Steve Kloves has got to you Ron. 100000 points from Klovedorr Steve!

**Steve- **looks shameful

**Hermione- **I know all the answers. They can blah blah blah stuff.

**Snape- **I will pretend to ignore you and banter on.

**Draco- **is blowing paper at Harry

**Harry- **This must count as a new type of abuse, paper blowing.

**Paper- **is scarily full of innuendos

**Harry- **I'm singing in the rain!

**Umbrella- **I'm so pointless even the toads ignore me.

**Snitch- **Weeeeee!

**Harry- **Ahhhh!

**Cedric substitute- **I asked if I could stay on as Cedric and they decided to hit me with a lightning bolt.

**Harry- **Why does that cloud look like a dog?

**Bob- **Hey. Hey Harry! Have you seen an umbrella, I kind of lost one!

**Harry- **No must escape! flies around wildly

**Bob- **appearing suddenly up close Hey so Harry want to play kiss chase?

**Harry- **jumps off broom in terror

**Dumbledore- **Let me levitate you with my mind.

**Harry- **wakes up

**Ron- **So then he said to me "Don't go there sister, and I was like "wow chill dude!".

**Hermione- **Shut up Ronald.

**Harry- **Where broom?

**Hermione- **Well err that's a funny story. You tell it Ron because I'm too perfect.

**Ron- **It seems Bob got so angry with you for running off without saying goodbye that he threw it at the whomping willow and err..

**Broom- **I'm dead!

**Madame Pomfrey in background- **You don't want to know what I'm doing to Cedric.

**Ron- **It was lucky Cedric fell first, he kind of broke your fall.

**Lupin- **The Forbidden Forest has never seemed less scary.

**Harry- **So I was wondering can you teach me stuff..

**Lupin- **No.

**Harry- **Please?

**Lupin- **Yes.

**Harry- **Wow that was easy.

**Lupin- **Don't be ridiculous.

**Harry- **I really should stop using the invisibility cloak at the stupidest times.

**Fred and George- **Wow footsteps. pins him and drags him off to some scary dark corner

**Harry- **Who the hell are you?

**Fred and George- **We're the Weasley twins.

**Harry- **blinks

**Fred and George- **You know the funny ones. The ones who cause so much trouble.

**Harry- **blinks

**Fred and George- **Oh stuff it. Here have a map but remember the magic words. And ignore the spelling mistakes.

**Harry- **Wow there's someone called Mooney on here, that would sound like Moon if it was spelt Moony but it isn't so I'm going to ignore the significance of Lupin's boggart.

**Ron- **Look the shrieking shack!

**Hermione- **Want to move closer?

**Ron- **sounds scared

**Hermione- **Oh don't be silly I didn't mean you! To the shack obviously.

**Draco- **I can insult you both at the same time.

**Ron- **acts scared

**Harry- **snowballs them to death and pulls down a random boys trousers which is really perverted

**Draco- **I don't have dealings with ghosts. Toodles.

**Ron- **looks scared

**Hermione- **My laugh will annoy you to death.

**Madame Rosmerta- **Lets talk loudly about Harry Potter.

**Fudge- **I agree. Harry Potter, Sirius Black, murderous intentions.

**Madame Rosmerta- **Now lets go in this pub and see if he follows.

**Harry- **I must know everything about myself! I'm on a voyage of discovery!

**Ron and Hermione- **We have been sentenced to sit outside by heads that talk.

**Madame Rosmerta- **Wow the door opened by itself, oh well carry on!

**McGonagall- **Well Harry Potter's parents were playing Cluedo with their good friend Sirius Black when he hit them over the head with a spanner. When their little fat stupid couldn't possibly be evil sidekick Peter Pettigrew threatened Sirius with the rope in the Dining Room Sirius tied him up with it until he vanished only leaving one finger.

**Fudge- **gasp gasp shock shock

**Mcgonagall- **Sirius Black is responsible for beating Harry's parents at Cluedo.

**Harry- **angst angst run out room and cry syndrome

**Hermione- **You stand there Ron while I look like the better friend.

**Ron- **stands scared

**Harry- **I CAN'T BELIEVE IT! MY PARENTS WERE THREATENED WITH THE LAMEST CLUEDO WEAPON! THE SPANNER!

**Snow- **is very un-British like

**Lupin- **Yo Harry. Want to learn that ridiculously advanced magic?

**Harry- **Bring it on.

**Chest- **is convienent

**Bob Boggart- **Hey Harry! Want to talk about how spanners make you feel?

**Harry- **OMGLIEKSPAZZATTACK!

**Lupin- **Well that was a shitty response, but seeing as this is ridiculously advanced magic I will comfort you. Here have some poi...chocolate.

**Harry- **I don't like chocolate.

**Lupin- **But this is a special type of chocolate.

**Harry- **Oh

**Lupin- **Right you need to concentrate on a very happy and powerful memory. It needs to be amazing and happy and erotic if that helps.

**Harry- **What does erotic mean?

**Lupin- **Never mind just concentrate on a happy memory.

**Harry- **Well me playing with this candle is quite happy. But I do have this one memory, well its not happy but it makes me happy and...

**Lupin- **Is it the immortal funniness of Ron's shocked face?

**Harry- **No.

**Lupin- **Oh hurry up we don't have all day.

**Harry- **Okay. Bring it on!

**Bob the Boggart- **Fancy a cup of tea Harry? I have some herbal remedies in my cloak somewhere, wait a sec...

**Lupin- **Why does Bob remind me of an annoying counsellor?

**Harry- **Take this white stuff from my wand ya bastard!

**Lupin- **Surely the fact that the Patranous is white and comes from a wand and is happiness must count for some kind of innuendo.

**Bob the Boggart- **Wow this is fun Harry! I like bouncing on this!

**Lupin- **Get back in the chest you slag!

**Bob the Boggart- **Don't I get to change into a night sky looking thing when I'm near you.

**Lupin- **Don't be ridiculous! That would make too much sense.

**Harry- **Wow I can spurt cum a patranous from my wand!

**Lupin- **Don't be ridiculous! That was a fake counsellor! Now tell me what your memory was so I can seem nosy.

**Harry- **It was of my parents...playing Cluedo. They were both losing to me because I was Miss Scarlett and she always moves first.

**Lupin- **muttering to himself I've met some odd kids in my time but this just takes the chocolate..

**Hermione- **My cat is an angel.

**Ron- **Your cat is a demon!

**Harry- **You all see in black and white or something?

**Hagrid- **I sob and sob and sob.

**Harry- **What's happened Hagrid? Did you break the Scales again?

**Hagrid- **Buckbeak is going to die!

**Harry- **Well, Hagrid you know, we're all going to die someday...

**Hagrid- **I'm not that pathetic! He's going to be executed!

**Harry- **You know I think you hit a fish with that rock then..

**Fish- **gulp!

**Harry- **I'm up at night with my wand again!

**Vernon- **sitting at home Damm...

**Ron- **OMG IM LIKE SUCH A SCARED FREAK! SPIDERS, TAP DANCE, WANT ME, TO.

**Harry- **Well you tell those spiders to do their own tap dancing crap then.

**Ron- **looks scared

**Harry- **Geesus. Why am I friends with this guy? Oh yeah because in the book he's like the inverted version of this.

**Map- **Look at me I can show dead people!

**Harry- **My parents?

**Map- **No just that little lump of a boy Peter Pettigrew.

**Harry- **Aw shit..

**Map- **is taunting Harry Come and find me! Solve the mystery! Find Mr Pettigrew with the four fingered hand in the hallway!

**Harry- **What is with the Cluedo references?

**Jennigen- **Hee hee. I love Cluedo.

**Harry- **I know he's here but I just can't see him!

**Jaws music starts**

**Harry- **He's coming closer..

**Dun dun.**

**Harry- **Closer!

**Dun er dun er dun er dun er..**

**Harry- **I'm virtually sat on him!

**Dun er dun er dun er dun er dun er dun er dun er!!!!**

**Harry- **Oh he's passed and I wasn't eaten by an evil shark with a man fetish.

**Map- **OMGLIEKSNAPE!

**Harry- **If I switch my wand off he might just not bump into me in the dark.

**Snape- **Peek-a-boo!

**Harry- **Are you drunk?

**Snape- **Wandering the halls at night time and with awfully red hair! You must be a Weasley!

**Harry- **Err no I'm Harry and my hairs black (or should be).

**Snape- **Oh yeah Hairy I know you! Can I see your amazingly cool piece of paper. I collect paper, I like the pink ones best.

**Harry- **umm sure.

**Snape- **Weeee! Does your paper talk? Hello paper!

**Map- **Go back to bed and wank yourself.

**Snape- **Ooooo naughty naughty paper! I'm taking this from you right now Hairy I mean Stanley...

**Harry- **No!

**Lupin- **Professor Snape?

**Snape- **No get away from me! crouches on the floor and rocks slightly

**Lupin- **I believe you left the naughty wardrobe? Well you have been naughty Snape, back to the naughty wardrobe with you!

**Harry- **Erm sir?

**Lupin- **Oh crap. Hi Harry, how's the lessons cumm...coming along?

**Harry- **Professor Snape stole my paper.

**Lupin- **Naughty Snape. Give that back.

**Map- **Father!

**Harry- **Huh?

**Lupin- **Come with me while I put Snape back in his wardrobe.

**Lupin- **This was very ridiculous of you! Your mother and father lost Cluedo for you! And you ridiculously stroll the corridors at night!

**Harry- **I'm sorry but someone who was dead showed up on the map.

**Lupin- **Dracula?

**Harry- **No Peter Pettigrew.

**Lupin- **That's ridiculous! Back to your bed you stupid boy!

**Harry- muttering **You are so ridiculously stupid.

**Trelawney- **I don't know how to teach a class. Hello we're are studying balls I mean crystal balls today.

**Ron- **looks scared

**Harry- **This class sucks balls.

**Hermione- **I know all the answers. I think I see the Grim.

**Trelawney- ** No you don't random crap about why

**Hermione- **You mean I don't have all the answers? DEAR GAWD IM GOING TO COMPLAIN TO THE SCRIPTWRITER!

**Trelawney- **I'm so bad at teaching a class I don't even realise when a student storms out my class.

**Crystal ball- **Salvation! Freedom! Oh damm you Harry!

**Harry- **Must take this bowling ball back, coming Ron?

**Ron- **looks scared

**Harry- **Oh fine fuck you..

**Crystal Ball- **I really don't know why Sirius is yelling your name but believe me its sooo relevant.

**Harry- **Ah possessed ball!

**Trelawney- **SERVANT RETURNS, VERY SCARY! VOLDERMORT BOUND TO RETURN BUT I WILL TELL YOU ANYWAY! RATS EVIL! OH SHOULDN'T TELL YOU THAT!

**Harry- **What is Dumbledore on? Hiring such sub-standard teachers?

**Trelawney- **coughs up a fur ball I like cats.

**Harry- **I'm not going to explain my presence in your classroom, I am just going to run screaming like a little girl. AIEEEEEEE!!!!!!!

**Trelawney- **I don't understand is he happy?

**Draco- **Hah hah hah my daddy did this for me but I will gloat and pretend it was me.

**Crabbe- **grunt

**Goyle- **snort

**Random tag along- **Who am I?

**Hermione- **I know all the answers. Shut up Malfoy or get my wand in your eye!

**Harry- **You know that could be coded into something else..

**Ron- **I doubt anyone will pick up on it...apart from the Draco/Hermione shippers.

**Hermione- **Okay you haven't said anything mean for the last 5 seconds I'll let you off.

**Draco- **Hah hah scot free!

**Hermione- **thwack

**Harry- **Wasn't she meant to slap him?

**Ron- **Girl power...it infests them all at one point.

**Draco- **OMG I've been beaten up by a girl! Watch me whinge and cowardly crawl away so as not to embarrass myself further.

**Random tag along- **Who am I? And why am I friends with this cowardly backstreet boy clone?

**Hermione- **That felt good.

**Ron- **Am I meant to feel threatened by the studness of Draco now?

**Harry- **I will smile as you are jerks.

**Hagrid- **Sob, sob, wail, wail.

**Hermione- **I'm sure Buckbeak will...errr..hmmm.

**Hagrid- **Sob, sob, wail wail. I found your Guinea Pig Ron.

**Ron- **It's a rat!

**Hermione- **My angelic cat didn't eat him see!

**Ron- **Its still a demon.

**Jar- **I have been stoned to death by way of stone.

**Hermione- **What the hell? This stone appears to have a weird fossil on it so it is recognisable.

**Harry- **I have been stoned to owness by way of stone. OW!

**Hermione- **Oh look the Toffee man and Dumbledork are coming this way, lets scoot!

**Ron- **looks scared

**Door- **When the trio lean out of me I make a very charming snapshot.

**Harry- **They've gone inside now lets go outside!

**Door- **slams

**Hagrid- **Oh that was just..Fang. He doesn't make an appearance but that's beyond the point.

**Harry, Ron and Hermione- **Run run run as fast as you can! You can't catch us we're the rebellious trio!

**Harry- **I can't see anything here, not even the pumpkins. But I can sense that something bad is happening.

**Hermione- **cling Ron

**Ron- **looks...content

**Harry- **No fair, me want hug.

**Scabbers- **Fuck this erotic hilltop I'm off to shag the whomping willow.

**Ron- **Scabbers you stupid animal come back! I will deafen you with my squeaky voice!

**Scabbers- **Ok.

**Harry and Hermione- **OMGWHOMPINGWILLOW!11!!!

**Ron- **OMGBIGBLACKDOG!!111!!!

**Harry- **I saw a big black dog the other day..

**Dog- **Growl, redhead's leg is tasty!

**Ron- **looks scared, acts scared, sounds scared and generally is scared

**Whomping Willow- **You don't know how annoying having a huge hole in me is.

**Harry- **Oh no Ron has been dragged off by rabid dog!

**Hermione- **And the whomping willow is beating us up! Time to call on my super whomping willow riding powers!

**Harry- **glasses fall off They said they could cure my blindness with magic, they lied the bastards...

**Hermione- **WHOOSH!!!! Super Hermione to the rescue! With my super grabbing power I will throw you into the hole!

**Harry- **Am I meant to think on these innuendos?

**Hermione- **Oh no my super powers have been worn out. Thanks for the soft landing Harry.

**Harry/Hermione shippers- **OMG THEY TOUCHED! THIS IS CONVINCING EVIDENCE!

**Harry- **I know where we are but I won't say it yet to add to the suspense.

**Hermione- **Okay I'm tired of this game. So it begins with S, and sounds like "freaking back" and is generally very haunted.

**Harry- **Your really not as clever as you look.

**Hermione- **I am when the script wants me to be.

**Ron- **ITS RAPING ME! OR THAT'S HOW IT SOUNDS!

**Harry- **We're here Ron!

**Ron- **Its behind you!

**Hermione- **No its not.

**Ron- **Yes it is, its behind you!

**Harry- **Your just pulling my leg!

**Ron- **It pulled my leg! And its behind you!

**Harry- **Ahhh!

**Sirius- **I make closing a door look like a murderous intention.

**Dumbledore from afar- **Murderous intentions!

**Sirius- **Huh?

**Harry- **Oh that's just Dumbledore.

**Sirius- **Right, where were we?

**Harry- **I HATE YOU AND YOU SUCK!

**Sirius- **cackles evilly

**Hermione- **I rip off Ron's line.

**Ron- **Hey! That's the last time I snog you bitch!

**Sirius- **Want to kill me?

**Harry- **Wow, good idea! tackles to the ground

**Lupin- **I take your wands.

**Hermione- **YAY!

**Harry- **DAMM!

**Ron- **SPIDERS!

**Sirius- **GLOMPLUPIN!

**Remus/Sirius shippers- **Brotherly my ass.

**Sirius- **I want to kill something giggle

**Lupin- **No not yet! Must explain to Harry!

**Harry- **I understand everything! He wants to kill me!

**Hermione- **Shut up Lupin your such a werewolf!

**Lupin- **Yes I am angst's

**Snape- **Ta da!

**Lupin- **I thought I locked you in the naughty wardrobe?

**Snape- **I escaped!

**Sirius- **I hate you Snape but movie fans will have to work out why.

**Snape- **I hate you too!

**Lupin- **Shut up you git.

**Sirius- **Snape is a git Lupin.

**Lupin- **Yes!

**Sirius- **Why?

**Lupin- **Stuff.

**Sirius- **Git!

**Lupin- **Hate you!

**Snape- **giggles You remind me of my mum and dad.

**Harry- **Oh get the drunk off the set. SMASHING EXPELLARMUS SPELL

**Lupin- **Sirius didn't really beat your parents at Cluedo!

**Harry- **Who did then?

**Sirius- **Peter Pettigrew!!!!! And he's in this room! In this room! In this room! In this room!

**Harry- **Don't be ridiculous!

**Lupin- **No its not actually. He was alive on the map so this somehow convinced me Sirius was innocent.

**Harry- **Where then?

**Sirius-** points at Ron

**Ron- **OMG MY SECRET IDENTITY HAS BEEN REVEALED! jumps out window

**Sirius- **No not you. Your rat!

**Ron- **jumps back through window Huh?

**Sirius- **He was an Animagus like me, we were friends rambling past

**Harry- **But you killed him with the rope in the dining room!

**Sirius- **Well duurr, the rope is lame. He turned into a rat and ran off and it looked like I had killed him.

**Lupin- **Didn't you ever hear Harry? In Cluedo Mr Black is the innocent home owner.

**Harry- **But isn't he the one who's dead?

**Sirius- **Lets not think on that symbolism. GRABRATGRABRAT

**Scabbers- **I am no rat!

**Trio- **gasp

**Peter- **Oh dear I am in a sticky mess now aren't I?

**Lucious Malfoy from afar- **A very "sticky" end!

**Sirius- **What the hell? I hate you. Betrayer stuff rambling!

**Lupin- **I'm actually very sweet and kindly but I WANT TO FUCKING KILL YOU!

**Peter- **squeal

**Harry- **No don't kill Scabb...Peter! Lets throw him to Bob instead!

**Sirius- **With the herbal remedies?

**Harry- **The very one.

**Sirius- **grin

**Sirius- **Hey don't get your hopes or anything but want to live with me?

**Harry- **YESSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!

10 minutes later

**Sirius- **I like parsnips.

**Harry- **Wow so do I! We do have things in common!

**Hermione- **OMG MOON!

**Lupin- **angst face

**Peter- **Haha! So long suckers! ratifies

**Sirius- **Remus baby have you taken that potion no one has ever mentioned before in this film?

**Lupin- **pants in response

**Sirius- **We could live in the country! Grow strawberries! Don't give up on me Remus baby! Its here! In your heart! Listen to the random crap that comes out my mouth! This flesh is only flesh! OH GODDAMIT REMUS I WILL GIVE YOU A GOOD FUCKING LOT OF CHOCOLATE!

**Lupin- **Ya know being a werewolf and all means it's kind of in the contract for me to change at every full moon no matter the bribe. werewolfs

**Sirius- **Wee Lupin sent my flying! This is fun!

**Hermione- **Hello werewolf Lupin, do you want a biscuit?

**Lupin- **Snarl snarl NO!!!

**Snape- **Ya know you kids are okay! hic

**Lupin- **GROWL! HIT

**Snape- **WARGH!

**Sirius- **Look out Lupin! Your not the only one who can dogify!

**Lupin- **paces

**Sirius- **paces

**Ron- **looks scared

**Lupin- **SNARLATTACK

**Sirius- **YELPATTACKED

**Harry- **Oh no Sirius is being thrashed!

**Lupin- **runs off with Sirius

**Harry- **follows

**Lupin- **I wonder if I can break him in half like a nut if I smash him on this nut.

**Sirius- **I vote against this method of investigation!

**Harry- **Me too!

**Lupin- **Your boring Sirius. Me want to play with the kid.

**Harry- **Wahhh! Bad idea!

**Noise- **AROOOO!

**Lupin- **Sounds like dinner! runs off

**Sirius- **Yelpity yelp. manifies

**Harry- **Oh look we're by a lake. How ya doin' Sirius?

**Sirius- **silent

**Bob- **Well if isn't old Harry Potter! My how you've grown since last time I saw you!

**Harry- **WARGH SHUT UP SHUT UP! EXPECTO PATRACUM! PATRANUM!

**Bob- **Wee bouncy! Oh where'd it go?

**Harry- **His voice, ahhh!

**Bob- **Oh look its old Sirius Black! Sirius would you like to talk about why you felt the need to escape my home? Was it because you were scared or lonely?

**Sirius- **is dying from the annoyingness

**Harry- **YOUR KILLING HIM!

**Bob- **Ohh err.. Well if he's doing that might as well collect his soul. I collect souls you know..

**Sirius- **soul bursts forth

**Bob- **Soul!!!

**Harry- **Noo!

**Stag- **When all other lights go out choose me.

**Harry- **Wargh?

**Sirius- **soul burst back

**Bob- **The shiny deer is rocketing me to the sky! Woohooo!!!!

**Harry- **faints

**Harry- **wakes up

**Hermione- **I have all the answers. Sirius is in danger.

**Harry- **No way! Is he going to die.

**Hermione- **Someday. But not today! Bob has found a coupon in the Daily Prophet that entitles him to a free soul. And it's Sirius's!

**Harry- **gasp gasp shock shock

**Dumbledore- **'ello.

**Harry- **Sir it wasn't Sirius, it was Peter Pettigrew! He's alive! And Sirius is innocent! Duh blah blah blah..

**Dumbledore- **I like time its fun. Hermione you like time too wink wink

**Ron- **Don't wink at my girl!

**Hermione- **Shut up you git. Your so useless your not coming with us. Harry put this round your neck while I don't explain it to you.

**Harry- **Erm ok. Umm why are all those people walking backwards?

**Hermione- **Less chat more doing!

**Harry- **Am I drunk?

**Hermione- **No you've just time travelled.

**Harry- **Oh that's Ok then.

**Hermione- **Hehe I like to admire from afar.

**Harry- **Look you can drool over Ron some other time..

**Hermione- **I was talking about me. Just look at the punch, wow some perfection!

**Harry- **Yeah..

**Hermione- **Lets go save Buckbeak!

**Hermione- **What the hell my hair is UNBUSHY, THIS IS UNCANON!

**Past Hermione- **What the fuck was that?

**Past Harry- **Time for the Gingerbread song reference.

**Past Trio run off singing gingerbread song**

**Harry- **Come on you Christmas dinner on legs!

**Buckbeak- **makes horsey bird noises

**Hermione- **Ferrets taste nice! Try some!

**Buckbeak- **snap snap Ok now I'm coming.

**Harry- **glee

**Harry, Hermione and Buckbeak- **hide in forest

**Fudge- **Where the fuck has my waste of time trial gone?!

**Hagrid- **Ha!

**Dumbledore- **I TOLD YOU YOUR MURDEROUS INTENTIONS WOULD LAND YOU IN TROUBLE! HA!

**Executioner- **Pumpkin pie eat my axe!

**Pumpkin- **Nooooo!

**Harry- **Lets sit here and talk while we wait stupidly.

**Hermione- **Yes, lets.

**Harry- **I think I saw my father by the lake.

**Hermione- **backs away slowly

**Harry- **I also saw a glowing deer.

**Hermione- **backs away less slowly

**Harry- **I'm going to go see if it was him.

**Hermione- **How much of that chocolate has Lupin given you?

**Pasties walk out**

**Past Sirius- **I can see something in the bushes.

**Past Harry- **Like Parsnips.

**Past Sirius- **I like Parsnips.

**Past Harry- **Wow so do I! We have so much in common!

**Past Hermione- **OMGMOON!

**Hermione- **Does my voice really sound like that?

**Harry- **Stop being so vain and follow me.

**Past Sirius- **We could live in the country! Grow strawberries! Don't give up on me Remus baby! Its here! In your heart! Listen to the random crap that comes out my mouth! This flesh is only flesh! OH GODDAMIT REMUS I WILL GIVE YOU A GOOD FUCKING LOT OF CHOCOLATE IF I HAVE TOO!

**Harry- **I think I know what Remus meant by erotic now...

**Hermione- **Wow this is some dog fight.

**PastLupin- **I wonder if I can break him in half like a nut if I smash him on this nut.

**Past Sirius- **I vote against this method of investigation!

**Past Harry- **Me too!

**Past Lupin- **Your boring Sirius. Me want to play with the kid.

**Past Harry- **Wahhh! Bad idea!

**Hermione- **AROOO!

**Harry- **What the fucking hell was that? Your not a flipping werewolf.

**Hermione- **I know...I just..I have no idea why I did that.

**Lupin- **Yummy children!

**Harry and Hermione- **WARGH! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES!

**Lupin- **I could use my nose to sniff them out but that would make too much sense.

**Harry and Hermione- **Its so obvious when we turn round this tree he's going to be there but oh well.

**Lupin- **SNARL SNARL ATTACK ATTACK!

**Buckbeak- **Face my birdy wrath! SLAM

**Hermione- **Wow thanks Buckbeak, good timing.

**Buckbeak- **makes horsey bird noises

**Harry- **Lets go see my dad!

**Hermione- **whispering to Buckbeak Just humour him...

**Past Bob- **Well if isn't old Harry Potter! My how you've grown since last time I saw you!

**Past Harry- **WARGH SHUT UP SHUT UP! EXPECTO PATRACUM! PATRANUM!

**Past Bob- **Wee bouncy! Oh where'd it go?

**Past Harry- **His voice, ahhh!

**Harry- **Don't worry daddy will save us!

**Hermione- **Yeah, of course Harry.

**Past Bob- **Oh look its old Sirius Black! Sirius would you like to talk about why you felt the need to escape my home? Was it because you were scared or lonely?

**Past Sirius- **is dying from the annoyingness

**Past Harry- **YOUR KILLING HIM!

**Past Bob- **Ohh err.. Well if he's doing that might as well collect his soul. I collect souls you know..

**Past Sirius- **soul bursts forth

**Past Bob- **Soul!!!

**Hermione- **Admire my spooky voice! Your dying both of you!

**Harry- **Don't be silly daddy's coming!

**Past Harry- **Noo!

**Hermione- **Well he should get a move on then.

**Harry- **Wow I can see my reflection in the water...wait a second...I look just like my father! EXPECTO PATRANUM!

**Past Bob-**The shiny deer is rocketing me to the sky! Woohooo!!!!

**Hermione- **Well he was right about the shiny deer....

**Harry- **Yo what's up dawg, we've come to save your ass.

**Sirius- **What the?

**Hermione- **Oh just ignore him, he's full of himself because he's achieved ridiculously advanced magic.

**Sirius- **Ridiculously? Sounds like you've been around Lupin too much.

**Hermione- **Your telling me.

**Jail door- **explodes

**Sirius- **I'm free!

**Buckbeak- **Three people to fly with? I'm not the flipping Knight bus from hell!

**Harry- **Your cool but I understand you have to leave.

**Sirius- **I think your cool blah blah foreshadowing of future death blah blah heart.

**Hermione- **Oh get lost Sirius.

**Sirius- **Your smart. I didn't have to tell you that but the script told me too.

**Night sky- **is very un-British

**Hermione- **We did it!

**Harry- **Woot! Oh hi Dumbledore! We did it!

**Dumbledore- **Piss off I don't want to talk to you. whistles

**Harry- **Right...

**Harry and Hermione walk into room as Past Harry and Hermione disappear into...somewhere**

**Ron- **And where the hell? What the? I WANT MY COMPENSATION FOR MY USELESS ROLE IN THIS FILM!

**Harry- **You can't go because I say so!

**Lupin- **Don't be ridiculous!

**Harry- **Hmm suppose your right. But why are you going?

**Lupin- **Didn't you know that the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher has to be new for each book?

**Harry- **You could come in disguise!

**Lupin- **I think the next guy's planning to do that.

**Harry- **Any other reason for going?

**Lupin-** Being a werewolf sucks. Society sucks! Snape sucks! But mostly the fact that I have a skull vending machine in my office sucks!

**Harry- **So your leaving because your angsty?

**Lupin- **Basically yeah, but we will probably see each other again.

**Harry- **Really? Can you come over in the summer?

**Lupin- **Ah no. We need to have a year apart Harry I'm afraid. I think I've caught a cold.

**Harry- **That's a lame excuse.

**Lupin- **Oh well what can you do? Here have your map back. Yes I know it's a map. Want to ask me about that fact?

**Harry- **I don't think so, we only have 5 minutes left on the tape and the director already thinks they're going to have to end on a close up on my face. He says he's going to make it look "real artistic" though.

**Lupin- **Toodles then!

**Harry- **I'm late for breakfast, as usual.

**Ron- **I opened your present because I'm a git.

**Harry- **Don't I usually get presents at Christmas?

**Hermione- **Shhh!

**Present- **I'M A BROOM!

**Harry- **Wow a Firebolt.

**Random kid at 12 0' clock- **I am still here somewhere looking doomful.

**Harry- **Must. Ride. Immediately.

**Broom- **WEEEEEEEEEEE!

**Hermione- **Wait you got a feather with it!

**Harry- **What the hell am I meant to do with a feather?

**Hermione- **No it's a...oh never mind.

**Harry-** I'm flying!!!!!!!!

**Harry's face- **I'm blurred! This is to all you fans who thought the film endings couldn't get much worse then the random sudden clapping for Hagrid! HAH stick this in your pipe and smoke it!


End file.
